The Fourth Trimester is a Construction Project

There’s a word that I didn’t hear until my thirties. A word that made everything click for me. The word that changed everything about what it is I do + how I show up in spaces.

When I was first told about matrescence, literal tears came to my eyes. In the simplest of definitions, matrescence is the process of becoming a mother.

I was well into my thirties, had already had my daughter years prior + I had already lived through the part where I came home from the hospital not recognizing myself in the mirror. Post delivery I had spent 4 years wondering what was wrong with me, why I felt so different + why the woman I used to be never really came back. It didn’t matter that I had lost the baby weight, that the sleep had even returned, this was supposed to be the area of life where things went back to “normal”.

Fast forward to when my daughter was almost fifteen, I’m in yet another prenatal training + someone said the word “matrescence.” They said it in the same way that you might say adolescence. As in a developmental stage, a real one. One that has neurological changes, hormonal restructuring + an identity shift that can take YEARS, not weeks to complete.

Truth Moment? Tears came to my eyes because it was like suddenly I was seeing things clearly about that period in my life. Similar to the revelation about Black + Brown women’s childbirth disparities, I felt overly convicted. Like how many women are walking around right now thinking that they are forever broken when the reality is they are actually transforming + nobody bothered to tell them.

Postpartum is not recovery

I’ve said this before + I’ll keep shouting it from the rooftops, postpartum is NOT recovery. I’ll keep saying this because it is one of the many things this world has wrong. Recovery gives the impression that you are getting back to who you were. As a woman with a career in birth, I hate to be the one to tell you but that was never the point, the getting back. The lady who gave birth + the lady who comes out on the other side are not the same person. They never will be. That can be hard + it is also okay.

Postpartum at best is a construction project.

Let me be super clear on what that actually means within the body + in life.

What Matrescence Does to your Brain + Body

In the body, your brain is completely rewiring. This is real. There is TONS of research that supports the data. The neuroplasticity that happens in pregnancy + postpartum is comparable to what happens in adolescence. Our gray matter shifts + neural pathways prune, simply put. The parts of your brain that read + decipher what’s happening get a complete upgrade. The way you read emotions, threats, your new baby’s face all change from making you the priority to making the baby the priority. Your brain essentially makes you a 2nd class citizen in your world through programming. All of this believe it or not isn’t just a metaphor or “feeling”, these are documented changes that you can see on a scan.

Your hormones are doing things that they have never done before. During pregnancy your estrogen + progesterone reach levels to help sustain the pregnancy + once the placenta is delivered both of those hormones drop significantly. At this point oxytocin is running the show + if you are breastfeeding you can add prolactin as a co-chair. Cortisol is spiking up because you are responding to a tiny human that needs you to stay alive. This is also the time frame where your thyroid is recalibrating. Iron is likely low from blood loss during delivery. Your blood volume as a whole is reducing back to its normal baseline + that alone can take several weeks to happen. This isn’t your imagination, none of it.

Matrescence + Your Identity

In life? The reality is your identity is being rebuilt from scratch. Who you were that Monday isn’t who you are by that Friday. The relationship you had to your own time is long gone. Your relationship with your body is likely unrecognizable. In some cases the relationship with your partner can shift, sometimes this can feel like overnight + it’s almost always nothing either of you expected to happen. Friendships can shift + change. They begin to naturally sort themselves into the ones that can hold this new version of you + the ones that can’t. It isn’t uncommon for your career identity to go sideways. Hobbies + outings can feel like 100 years ago or even a previous life.

None of this is a problem. This is the whole point.

Why the Bounce-back is the Lie

What nobody tells you + the reason so many women suffer is the culture as a whole treats matrescence like an inconvenience. Something that you should move through quickly + quietly. Sounds familiar right? The snapback culture of it all. Bounce + snap back. Get your body + life back. In this culture every picture, every pathway + all the language is built the exact same. The assumption that you are going to return to a previous version of yourself + it’s your job to do it as fast as possible. Without complaint.

Guess what buttercup? You are not returning anywhere.

The woman who got pregnant isn’t coming back. This isn’t because something is wrong. This is simply because that is how this all works. Adolescents don’t return to childhood. Caterpillars don’t return to being a caterpillar. You my friend, moved through a portal. A major life transition. You are someone different on the other side of that. There is no way to journey through unchanged.

The way our culture is set up, we do a lot of pretending. There are many women internalizing that they are failing at the thing that they were never going to succeed at. Can’t bounce back to a person who no longer exists. That bounce-back framing is the lie. The trap.

What a Real Fourth Trimester Looks Like

Especially if you let it be a construction project instead of a recovery period.

It looks like deep transformation. Longer rest. Like way longer. Forty days is the baseline in most traditional postpartum cultures + there is a reason. Six weeks was never enough. Twelve weeks is not enough. Real integration can take months at a minimum, + the women who give themselves the time almost always come out the other side intact. The women who don’t, don’t. I’ve seen it. Trust me. The white-knuckle gripping to the previous life is a hard way to enter into motherhood.

It can look like food cooked by someone else. Iron rich + nutrient dense meals. Bone broths. Foods that warm the body + are good for the soul. The reason every traditional postpartum culture, across continents, prioritizes warming nourishing foods is because the postpartum body needs them. All the things our ancestors were doing back in the day because it worked.

It looks like being truly held by people. Actual hands on the body. From belly binding to postpartum massages. A friend who washes your hair when you can’t lift your arms. Skin to skin contact with the baby isn’t just for the baby. It’s for you too. Your nervous system needs this for regulation.

It looks like having the words + language for what is happening. Knowing that matrescence is real. That the brain change + hormonal cliff is real. Knowing the identity shift is supposed to be happening + isn’t a malfunction.

It looks like permission to grieve. To be a little sad, because something did die. The version of you who existed before this child + coming to terms with the fact that she is not coming back. You are 100% allowed to miss her, to grieve her + to still be grateful for who you are becoming.

The grief is not a sign that you regret anything. It’s actually the biggest part of how the construction happens. New cannot be built without acknowledging what got demolished.

Try-It: Map Your First 40 Days

If you are pregnant right now, do this one thing this week. Map out your first 40 days. Who brings the food. Who can hold the baby while you shower or take care of yourself. Who you can call at 3am when you’re not sure if this is normal. Write down the names. Any need that can’t be filled in this moment is the one you need to solve before baby comes.

If you are deep in postpartum right now, whether it is your second month, your sixth or your fifteenth + you are still rebuilding, still figuring out, still grieving the old self while learning the new one. You are doing everything right, you are not behind + you are most definitely not stuck.

You are under construction. The blueprints are blueprinting + working. The body knows.

Be patient with the woman who is being built. She will be remarkable.

Questions I get about matrescence